Fiona, What's It All About?

I’m in love…. with La Jolla! I mean, really, what’s not to love about it? Each day, I work at my desk in the apartment looking out at the ocean all day. It’s quite active around here, so I don’t feel alone. I get out and walk every day, all over town. I haven’t used my car in two weeks! The other night, I walked to the theater to watch a live gospel musical performance. There was a three-month old baby sitting next to me with her grandparents who was completely mesmerized, bouncing and clapping wide-eyed for the whole performance. So adorable! Every day, I find someplace new where I want to eat, but I don’t think I have enough days. The other day, I walked into a bakery that is a complete child’s fantasy! Tonight, I discovered a place called the Fish Market which is a combination fish market and restaurant with the finest fish. Each evening, I either walk along the shoreline during sunset or watch sunset over the ocean from my apartment.

For Mother’s Day, I took myself to The Marine Room for dinner, a fine dining restaurant that is literally on the beach where the waves come up to the windows. I couldn’t decide between the filet mignon and the lobster tail so I, shamelessly, ordered both and told the waiter I’d skip dessert, LoL! Why this particular restaurant for Mother’s Day? Well, we used to come to La Jolla when Andre was quite little to visit my mother-in-law. I didn’t enjoy La Jolla much then because we came in February and stayed on the beach where it was absolutely freezing! However, once each trip we would have dinner at The Marine Room as a family, so I figured it was an appropriate place to spend Mother’s Day. And, I texted with Andre during dinner. It was worth every dime.

Now, it might sound like I eat out all the time but I, actually, don’t. In fact, tonight I roasted a pork loin chop for myself with sautéed mushrooms and spinach. I simply fantasize about all the places I’d like to dine. I find it less enjoyable to cook for myself these days because the kitchens in my rental places are lacking all my cooking accoutrements (remember, I left my kitchen supplies back in Reno). The one item I did not leave behind is a Nambe cooking platter. If you’re not familiar with Nambe, you must check it out. Harry introduced me to Nambe many years ago. Nambe is not cheap, but definitely worth the investment. I can roast anything perfectly on it and the clean up is easy. I, simply, preheat the oven to 400 degrees, dress my meat or fish, and pop it in the oven for 10-15 minutes and, presto, perfect dinner. The funny thing is, is that I really wrestled with whether or not I should bring the Nambe platter with me because it is quite heavy and not easy to pack, but my gut told me I would regret not bringing it so I found a small duffel bag and packed it. So worth it!

I have a confession. I hate clothes shopping but I finally broke down and bought some new clothes recently. Not that I have room for anything new, mind you! But, spring/summer is here and I cannot fit into my clothes anymore. I’m the heaviest I’ve been since I gave birth 33 years ago. What’s more is that I have no desire to go on a diet. At least, not right now. I gave away so many clothes when I moved out of Incline Village because I knew I didn’t fit in them anymore. I had to buy some summer wear. That was not an easy thing for me to do because I have to accept myself right now just the way I am, even if I feel like a frumpy, middle-aged woman, waahhh!

I have yet to get to the golf course. Torrey Pines is located just a few miles from my apartment, but that would mean I have to drive :-). I’m thinking of going this weekend. And, I have piano concert to attend on Sunday afternoon. Life is good.

I’m staying for the month in a vintage 1950s seaside apartment building in La Jolla, CA with a panoramic view of the ocean and walking distance to everything I need. I parked my car on the street a week ago and haven’t used it since. In fact, this is the first time since I left Incline Village that I feel I’m somewhat settled, nestled into a home if even for only a short period of time. What I mean by that is that I feel so comfortable in my space I don’t feel compelled to have to leave it, although I do because I enjoy the exercise and fresh air.

I went to my first yoga class in two years and I bought tickets to a couple of local music concerts — I can walk to all of it. Then, of course, there is the endless rugged coastline with miles of walking paths where I can stop and watch the families of sea lions sunbathing or body surfing on the huge waves. One did a major mid-air flip off the top of a wave the other day. It’s fun to watch them frolic in the water. I’m in awe at how loud the constant roar of the ocean is as the waves crash and can get mesmerized by watching the waves. People simply sit on their lawn chairs to watch and listen to the ocean. My next challenge for myself is making a commitment to using my golf clubs.

I’ve been reflecting on what I’ve been learning so far on my journey. I have learned that I can live in fairly small places and don’t need very many “things”. Everything that is packed in my car is way too much. I’m learning to live with some amount of disorganization. It is a constant struggle to keep my things organized moving all the time, but the Fiona in me says “to hell with it”, LoL! So, I accept when I can’t find something and I turn a blind eye to having my space be a bit messy and cluttered. That is a big lesson for me who has always liked having things in their “right” place with no clutter. One recurring question in my mind is, why doesn’t my stuff fit back in my car as perfectly as it did the first time??? It’s all the same stuff yet it’s a battle getting it back in there, sigh.

I have confirmed to myself in no uncertain terms that wherever I live, I have to have a full view to outside. I have realized that unless I can see outside, I cannot feel relaxed being inside. Personally, I think that’s quite insightful and wonder where that comes from. I came to realize this having stayed in the Reno house where the windows were high up and there were no real windows to look out the front of the house and comparing that to this apartment. I never sat and relaxed in the Reno house because it felt confining to me. I realized what I loved about my homes in Incline Village and Tiburon is that I had full views to outside seeing nature spread out before me.

After a brief 24 hours in San Luis Obispo to meet with a client, I landed in Santa Barbara for a long weekend. I’d been here once before and remembered how much I enjoyed it then, so wanted a repeat. I’m not sure why it feels much different here than the Bay Area. The city is nestled between the ocean on one side and majestic mountains on the other. It’s a great walking city with sidewalk restaurants, shops, theaters and more. I enjoy the casual ambiance and the historical Spanish architecture. However, amidst all the charm is an abundance of homelessness. I can’t help but ask myself why I have my life and they have theirs. Did we sign up at birth for the life we lead or is it a matter of the decisions we make along the way? Sometimes, I really want to ask some of them why they are homeless, what is their story? It’s so hard for me to turn a blind eye to it. Am I supposed to be getting some kind of message from this experience since the issue seems to bother me so much?

I have managed to enjoy other cultural experiences while being here. How refreshing it is to be “living” again after two years of COVID. Yesterday, I had several hours of pampering — a much needed manicure, pedicure, hair color and cut. Then, I put on a new outfit and took myself on a date to a French/Californian restaurant followed by going to the theater to watch a sensational performance by the Ballet Hispanico. I highly recommend seeing them if they make it to your town: https://www.ballethispanico.org.

Today, I went to the Santa Barbara Botanic Garden and the Santa Barbara Museum of Art where there was a special Van Gogh exhibit. I discovered some time back that I really like impressionist painting. I was mesmerized by seeing Van Gogh’s original works up close — incredibly beautiful and poignant. There were also pieces of Monet and other famous artists of their time. It was a real treat! Then, I walked up and down the Main Street of Santa Barbara taking in the diversity of the shops and restaurants. On one end it feels CA beach chic and, on the other end, it’s hippy beach. I’m like a kid in a whole new world. I feel so naive sometimes when it comes to the rest of the world.

I had a an interesting realization the other day as I left San Francisco. I realized that as I left the Bay Area, I have nothing to go back to. Usually when one travels, one goes back home at some point. I realized I don’t have a home to go back to. I am only going forward, not back. It’s a very strange feeling, mixed emotions of sadness yet excitement and some confusion. I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. I guess, it is what it is and I simply keep moving forward and see what happens.

My time in the Bay Area is almost over, already! Between work, visiting with friends and family, and exploring my temporary neighborhood, the time has gone way too quickly. I’ve been surprised by how absolutely delighted I am being back. I’m staying in a beautiful residential neighborhood in the Marina District which is accessible to so much either by foot or by car. I think of it as a West coast version of the West Village in NYC (which I also loved).

I decided to test myself and try something new. Rather than renting my own space for these 10 days, I rented a room in someone’s house. That was quite scary for me since I treasure my own space so much, like a turtle. But, I decided this would be a good opportunity for me to try being a roommate for a very limited period of time. The homeowner is a lovely 70-year old woman with her little dog, Kona. My bedroom is large with a walk-out patio. I stick to my bedroom for the most part and am out and about so much that it has worked out quite well. I am a bit embarrassed about my car situation. Being that I’ve only rented a room, I couldn’t fully unload my car so it really does look like I’m homeless when I go to local places with my car packed to the roof. I get a little anxious that someone will have my car towed being parked in this upscale neighborhood.

I am in my happy place — the sunlight off the bay, the mountains green from recent rain, an abundance of blooming flowers, the aroma of fresh flowers and the sea and, of course, the Mecca of food at every turn! Last week, on two days driving from our office in Petaluma back to the city, I was guided by magnificent rainbows. It was so special. The only thing I can say that I don’t love about the area is that, no matter what time of year it is, it always feels cold. It’s the only place I’ve been where I have to wear sweaters, fleece, wool socks, etc all year round.

I feel so blessed and grateful for this time. I can feel the smile on my face and the lightness in my spirit as I go from place to place.

I realized that my one month stay in Reno was just a practice run. I had the luxury of having as much of my stuff as I wanted knowing that when the time came, I could just take the extras to my storage unit. Well, that time came. This morning I had to load my car for real and could take only what fits in my car right now instead of several loads! It took me several hours this morning to organize, pack, and load — sacrifices had to be made. What was left behind, you might ask? Well, it was a tough decision, but I left my kitchen behind — my spices, my cooking oils, my pantry — very sad.

One important lesson I’m learning is to live one day at a time, at least as far as eating, anyways. For the next couple of weeks, I won’t have my own kitchen to cook in, so it will have to be simple meals and eating out. Any grocery shopping will be minimal. This is a lot harder to do than I would have imagined. It’s so hard for me not to impulse shop in the grocery store. My imagine runs wild in the grocery store, haha!

The emotional aspect of leaving Reno also hit me. Even though Reno isn’t my home of Incline Village, I was anchored here because of my office and the great team I work with here. I am sad to be leaving them after spending the last couple of weeks in the office together. I was developing a daily routine even if it wasn’t in the neighborhood that I would want to be in permanently. I started to feel quite anxious last night, like falling off the cliff again, knowing I was really being uprooted this time. I know geographically where I’m headed, but what does that really mean?

My bags are packed, my car is loaded, and my belly is full of a warm breakfast. I’m ready to hit the road! Next destination, San Francisco here I come….

I can’t believe my time here is almost over. Only one week left and I’m just beginning to feel like I’m getting into some kind of routine. I’m trying not to freak out wondering how the devil I’m going to fit all my stuff back in my car!

This last week involved more exploring and spending some time with friends. I’ve probably eaten out much more than I should, but there are so many places to try and very convenient. Today I discovered the farmer’s co-op a block from my office. It reminded me of another happy time in my life when I lived near Linden Hills in MN and was a member of the local co-op. I love shopping at little markets like that. As much as I appreciate a number of things in my ‘hood’, I’m not convinced it’s the place for me. I’m not sure I have much in common with the local folks; and, it’s a bit spooky around here at night.

Last night I stayed at the office until dusk thinking that there would be enough activity happening on a Saturday evening to feel safe walking home. It got dark fast and, at the first stop light, a “friendly” man decided he’d like to have a conversation (I couldn’t tell whether he was drunk or on drugs). I think he thought I looked sad when I really was anxious about waiting at the stop light with him. I was relieved when a couple showed up to wait at the same light. Then, another man approached me on my last block home. I don’t like that I don’t know whether or not I should be afraid of people and I’m not sure how to react to people who approach me like that. I don’t want to be rude, or provoke them in any way, yet ignoring them isn’t satisfactory. I’ve decided I’m not walking home in the late evenings.

I have been eyeing another area of the neighborhood. Like a lot of places, if you cross a main avenue or a river, you enter another world. I found such an area nearby.

My move is finally over! Yes, I was still moving this week. Good heavens, longest move ever! As of March 31, I am no longer a resident of Incline Village and I, also have a new office in Reno. We have our own little office building (a 1920’s house) in midtown Reno for four of us — comfortable and adorable.

I have been trying to stay very conscious of my surroundings making mental notes of what I like and what I don’t about my new neighborhood. So far, what I like is that it’s spring. It’s mostly sunny, the air is warm and the blooming trees are spectacular. I don’t know what kind of trees they are but they are bursting with colorful buds of brilliant white and fuchsia. The larger trees look like fireworks displays!

For those of you know who know me well, you know that I love food. I’m delighted that there are so many options of restaurants and coffee shops within walking distance of my rental home and office. What a treat! My office is only a mile from my rental home, so while walking to work I’m gawking at all the places I have to try.

What’s not so pleasant about my neighborhood is the pandemic of homelessness — real homelessness. The other morning I was hanging out at a local coffee shop when an elderly homeless woman came in with two dollars to buy a cup of coffee. I had just gotten a piece of warm quiche and as she walked by my table she stared at it and was practically drooling. Then, when she got her coffee she walked by my table again and did the same thing. I wanted to offer it to her right on the spot! Why didn’t I?? I still ask myself that question. I could have easily gotten a second one for myself. How long had it been since she’d had a meal? Why did I waiver? I was more concerned about what the other people in the coffee shop would have thought than I was about feeding her. I felt so bad and still do. I have told myself I will not let that happen again. What is it about being face-to-face with homelessness that is so frightening? Why would I feel embarrassed about publicly helping someone in need? What does that say about me?

Another thing that I have reflected on about being in Reno is that I, now, look up at the mountains and smile knowing there is a whole other way of life at the top of the mountain.

It took a week, but I starting moving into my closet today and my temporary house is beginning to feel more like “home”. I decided I have taken way too much with me and I need to start paring down. What was I thinking!! Funny, how hard it is to let go of silly things — like shoes. How many shoes can I possibly wear? Now that I’m over the initial trauma of moving out of my 3,500 sf home into one the size of a 1-bedroom apartment, I need to get more realistic as to what I can actually take with me in my SUV for the long haul. The purge continues, LoL!

My Reno home is small, but charming. The neighborhood is a bit questionable — it is definitely the “hood” – with a number of tattoo parlors, abandoned homes, where pit bulls are the pet of choice and people have random bonfires in their back yards. It is near the Latino neighborhood as indicated by the number of Mercados and burrito restaurants nearby. I intend to try one of the taco food trucks that someone has set-up in their front yard. It is a quiet neighborhood and people are friendly, even if a bit scary to me. I wanted a cultural experience and it seems I’m getting one!

I can tell I’d like the owner of the house I’ve rented. She is sassy! I admire that in a woman. She is creative, bold yet feminine, and likes to have fun. Here is a link to the house: https://abnb.me/NyN5COF7Iob

(As of March 20, 2022) As many of you know, I decided to embark on a new life adventure.  A journey to nowhere and everywhere, a journey of discovery both externally and internally.  Do you ever ask yourself, “what’s it all about” – this life, the people we meet, the experiences we have?  Do any of us really know?  I know I want to understand, what, I’m not really sure.  Perhaps it’s simply to gain a better understanding of myself.  I know that when I contemplate that question, it brings tears to my eyes, so there must be something there to be revealed.  So, for the next 12-24 months, I will live intentionally “homeless”, traveling to different parts of the country (and perhaps the world) searching for my truth and where “I belong”.  I may come full circle, I may not.  

I had intended to write this as a blog post, but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet so I’m doing it in an email to begin….

I woke up this morning in my new temporary home in Reno, where I’ll live for the next month, after having the best night’s sleep in a long time.  Exhaustion cannot adequately describe how tired I have been from the past several weeks of purging and packing up my home along with the anxiety of knowing that I will be intentionally “homeless” for the next year or so.   I had not anticipated the amount of logistics involved in taking on this venture.  Much like giving birth the first time, it’s probably better not to know how much pain is involved before doing it 😂.  

In addition to leaving my lovely home and good friends in beautiful Tahoe, I continue to grieve two people who were incredibly instrumental in my life and whom I loved very much.  They were two significant mentors and anchors in my life whose love I was blessed to receive in abundance.  Both passed away within six months of each other just over a year ago.  Strangely, leaving my home intensified the grief of losing them even though they had no connection to my Tahoe home. What’s that all about?  Perhaps it was the realization of leaving everything near and dear to me behind to start on this new part of my life journey without either of them in my life; perhaps it is the fear of not being grounded anywhere or by anyone.  Is this what freedom is?  Scary!

Thank you to those of you who have been “with me” during this time.  I greatly appreciated your loving support as I made my way through to this point, especially during my meltdowns.  And, a special thanks to my son without whose help in my final hours of need during packing I would have crashed and burned ❤️.  But, I am not leaving all of you behind, dear friends and family.  You may join me on my journey by following my blog and I will carry you in my heart.