The last time I posted, I had moved into my home in Mill Valley, CA. I have not a single regret in doing that except for missing my dear friends in Tahoe. It’s been another 15 months of my life and so much has transpired. Fifteen months that have gone by way too fast! I was rebuilding my life here, making new friends and getting re-acquainted with “old” friends, re-engaging in my professional life in new ways and loving every minute of living in this charming town while commuting to Sonoma three days a week for work (who can complain!). Over the past couple of years, I have traveled extensively; I have spent meaningful time with my family; I have loved and lost; I had discovered a soulful independence and inner happiness.

For over a year, I had dreamed of taking a fabulous journey to sail the islands of Greece for my Big Birthday and worked to make that happen. What started out as a dream turned into the worst nightmare of my life (so far). While enjoying a casual stroll along the Aegean Sea on a beautiful sunny day on the island of Milos after a lovely lunch, I slipped and broke my knee. (Unfortunately, I was strolling on a concrete path and not the sand.). I was only 5 days into a 3 1/2- week journey. My squeamishness prevents me from sharing the details of that awful accident, but suffice it to say that I still suffer PTSD from that moment. I cannot recall the memories of that story without breaking out in tears. Even as I write this, I have to choke back the trauma. The last two months have been the most painful experience I have ever endured. Every day for two months, I have lived with more pain and discomfort than I could have imagined, but it is getting better with each passing day. There is light at the end of this very long, dark tunnel. Now, I cry more from each success, regardless of how minor, rather than the pain that was holding me back.

Sunrise on the Aegean Sea

One of the biggest and more valuable gifts from this experience has been the release of SO MUCH pain. I have cried (sobbed) almost every day from the depths of my soul and sometimes it’s hard to explain way. Just a simple thought can make me cry and I am one who almost NEVER cried. I have cried so much that there is not an ounce of pain left in my psyche. It’s as if all the pain from my past has been wiped clean. However, it has left me depleted and wondering what is next. I wonder if this is what it means to be reborn. I can tell you it is exhausting!

Another valuable gift from this experience is having so much time to reflect — why did this happen, why now, what am I supposed to learn, why so much pain and where is it coming from, why is it so hard for me to accept help, who am I, who do I want to be, what will life look like now, will I ever be “normal” again? It’s hard to imagine my activities being back to “normal” when I can only barely get my knee to bend in a full-sitting position and that’s with some of effort and discomfort.

Now that I have had no choice but to slow down, I feel like I am an observer of my life rather than a voyageur in my life. I feel “old” or, perhaps, I simply feel my age now. Lost is my youthful spirit and sense of adventure. I wonder if that means I’ve matured. I wonder if I’ll be wiser now, LoL. I do have a lot less anxiety about anything and am so much calmer. In some strange way, I am at peace, yet soulfully sad. I wonder if all this is simply exhaustion.

I do realize that my life is not “over, but it will be different and it will take at least a year from now, if I’m lucky, to be “normal” again — a new normal. I grieve for my past life as I prepare for the new one. One thing I’ve really learned is to take one day at a time not knowing what tomorrow will bring. It’s amazing how much gratitude I have for even the smallest progress that I make in a single day, then, I sob. I also have immense gratitude for my family and friends who have been so supportive to me during this difficult time. It was a huge lesson for me to be so dependent on others when something as simple as going to the bathroom was beyond my reach alone.

I’m beyond that level of dependency now. I can even take a shower safely by myself now as long as I have all the logistics planned ahead. I am still in a knee brace for another week or two. I can walk without crutches but not without the brace to immobilize my knee. I can give advanced lessons on everything one needs to know about living with a knee brace, yikes! Jesting aside, the brace is my security blanket at the moment. I know I will be afraid (terrified) to take my first few steps without wearing the brace when that time comes (and, I’m crying already!). However, for now, the brace gives me stability and confidence to move around my house freely, even the stairs. I still can’t drive and I don’t venture outside much by myself. I wonder how long it will be before I have the confidence again for adventures. I’m starting to see that my greatest challenge from this point on is overcoming the fear of not repeating my accident. That might take a while and a lot of patience. Is that my lesson from all this, patience? That has never been my strong suit, but something I’m having to practice every day. Patience with my progress, patience with myself. I’m also learning that patience equates to love and compassion.

As they say, “this too shall pass” and it will. I have so much else in my life for which to be grateful (’tis the season!). It’s time for a paradigm shift.

Wishing you many blessings into the holiday season!

My sister got this birthday cake for me. Love you, Sis!