I was completely unprepared for the magnitude of emotions that have hit me while being in my hometown. During the past three months of my journey, I had not felt lonely until this past week.

I took an early morning walk today around one of the local city lakes taking in all the sights and sounds — mating sturgeons, mama ducks with tiny ducklings foraging for breakfast, the variety of birds fluttering everywhere happily chirping, the smell of the freshwater lake. I thought my eyes were watering from the freshly cut grass, but realized they were tears rolling down my face and my heart ached. The emptiness and sadness in my heart is so profound at times it feels like my heart will stop. Even with all its beauty, this does not feel like home anymore, at least not the way it was with Harry and Christopher here. I mourn three lives lost — both of theirs and mine with each of them. I have come to find that memories are a double-edged sword of comfort and sadness.

Is that why I felt compelled to come back here, to grieve? To make it a reality in my mind that they are truly gone and there is no going back? Could I really expect to have a life here again with all the memories? As much as I love it here, it is too painful; at least, for now.

On a brighter note, I am enjoying the beauty of MN in June, one of the best months to be here. Everything is so lush, green and alive and the humidity is tolerable. My apartment is on the second floor of a vintage Early American house with my bedroom, literally, in the trees. It’s like sleeping in a tree house — I love it! I will say though, it’s challenging to sleep past 4am because of the cacophony of birds chirping from their tree houses, oh my. There is one special little goldfinch, that I know is Christopher’s messenger, who visits me every morning fluttering its wings while tapping on my window with its beak wanting to be let in. It is not afraid of me when I go to the window to talk to it. Christopher had an unusual affinity with birds and goldfinches were one of his favorites. It’s fascinating how this one little bird provides some solace.

Andre and Brittney arrive today. I am excited to spend a week with them on the MN North Shore and Lake of the Woods, Canada. Stay tuned for that chapter…